6-14-10

Today is Monday, June 14, 2010. This day is a multitude of things: 1. Monday; 2. Flag Day; 3. My Birthday; and 4. My Grandparents' Anniversary.


1. Monday
Ughh... Mondays... What is it about Mondays that drive us, the people, CrAzY!?!?!?!?!??!?! I would REALLY like to know the answer to that question. The main thing that helps me get through my Mondays is a GREAT cup of coffee! 

2. Flag Day
I wonder if people realize that today is a holiday. Probably not because it's not a National Holiday where state and federal employees get to take off work for. I, however, do think this this should be an important holiday that people recognize because it's a holiday that focuses on one of the symbolic icons of the United States of America: the American Flag. I do take pride in the fact that I am an American. I LOVE USA! I just wish ALL US citizens took as much pride in being an American as I, and others, do. It's just my opinion, but if you don't like it here, GO SOMEWHERE ELSE! 

3. My Birthday

Today is my birthday. I am 25 years old. In other words a 1/4 of a century old. Wow... I'm not one of those people who hate and dread my birthday. Instead, I love it! For me, it's another reason to celebrate life and all of the blessings God has given you that year and pray and hope for more blessings to come in the next year.  

This birthday was definitely different-bad for me, which I will explain later on in this post. 

For my birthday dinner, my husband took me out to a local and amazing Mexican restaurant. I love salsa and can't ever get enough of it! After dinner, we drove on down to Dairy Queen for my favorite ice cream treat: Chocolate Extreme Blizzard! YUM! 

HAPPY 25TH BIRTHDAY TO ME!

4. My Grandparents' Anniversary

Ever since I was born, or rather can remember, I've always shared my birthday celebration with the celebration of my grandparents' anniversary because I was born on their anniversary; however, this year on this day was different. My grandfather passed away on 1-26-10. So, instead of a day of celebration, it was nothing but a day of sadness and remembrance for me. Oh, how I missed being able to celebrate this day alongside my grandparents, especially my Grandpa. And, oh, how I miss my Grandpa! 

My grandma called me this morning to wish me a "Happy Birthday". We ended up talking about their anniversary and my Grandpa. For myself and my Grandma, I had to stay strong while I was on the phone with her, and I was. However, when I hung up the phone, I let it all out. I couldn't keep it in any longer. At that moment, I was so glad that I was home and by myself because I just couldn't deal with it while around others. 

Sorry to bring sadness at the end of this post. I hope everyone had a better Monday than I did. GOD BLESS!  

A Better Day

Today has been a much better day. I don't know if it's because it was a new day or for the double fact of: A.) It was a half day of school; and B.) I only saw 5 kids in a matter of 1 hour. HAHA! Well, whatever the reason, today has been a much better day.

Even though it was a half day of school for Parent-Teacher Conferences, I stayed for a full day (I don't directly work for the school district I serve; therefore, I go by the program's schedule.) I was supposed to have an IEP meeting this afternoon, but the parent never showed. So, I ended up organizing and cleaning my room, and I must say, my room looks SPECTACULAR!

When it was 3:30, I packed up and left for Sprinfield. In Springfield, I met up with my husband, and we went to the mall to do a little shopping. Well, I did a little shopping! :)

I know I've went on how these past two weeks have been a horrible roller coaster, but once again, my roller coaster feels like it's going up hill. Also, it was nice to spend a relaxing evening outside of our home. I hope things continue going well. I'm tired of feeling sad/depressed/numb. Please continue to pray for me and my family, especially my Grandma. We are still healing from the loss of our famliy member. Thanks and GOD BLESS!

Back to the Grindstone...Well, On Tuesday

My Grandpa's funeral was on Saturday. His service was at Elijah Church of Christ in Caulfield, MO, and he was buried at Sweeton Pond Cemetary in Dora, MO. Even though it was difficult sitting through his service, my dysfunctional family found some way to have some laughs. For starters, there was about 6-8 inches of snow on the ground; therefore, people weren't going to dress up; however, I didn't know how true that was going to be. A man, apparently, thought it was appropriate to come to the funeral in his converalls. Not just any coveralls, but coveralls that were so worn out that he had to use duck tape to cover the holes up. That's not all or the best. The best was an Elvis impersonator. Yes, Elvis impersonator. I'm talking hair, glasses, gold rings. Excluding a white, sequence jump suit, that man sought to embody Elvis Presley.

When my husband saw the Elvis impersonator, he turned to me and started to chuckle. He then said, "Elvis has entered the building." I couldn't help but laugh.

Tomorrow, Monday, February 1, 2010, I should be going back to work. However, I'm so exhausted (emotionally, mentally, & physically) that I would be useless. I know I'm going to have to go back to work eventually, but I also know that it still hurts too bad to go back to work. No matter what, I will go back to work on Tuesday. GOD BLESS!

Viewing

Today, we went and viewed my Grandpa's body at Robertson-Drago Funeral Home (I say "body" because that's what it is to me. That's not my Grandpa. That's just his physical form or rather was his physical form.). Even though there was no life in his body, the staff of the funeral home did a fantastic job preparing the body. My Grandpa's body had endured much trauma over these past few years. His body was bruised by all of the poking and proding the doctors and nurses had to do. His skin was very thin. His nails weren't in the best shape either. Saying all of that, the staff did a tremendous job making sure the evidence of trauma was hidden. It almost resembled my Grandpa. However, there were some things that needed my Grandma's touch.

My Grandpa was a man that had a certain style. He ALWAYS wore peral-snapped western shirts with the 1st two buttons unbuttoned, and his shirts were always untucked. However, my Grandma made sure he left the house with his shirt tucked in. His jeans were always Levi's, and my Grandma ironed his jeans with a crease down the middle of the pant leg. He never wore undershirts. His hair was ALWAYS slicked/oiled back.

My Grandpa's body will be buried wearing a brand-new tucked in pearl-snapped Western shirt (1st two buttons unbuttoned), pressed Levi's, slicked hair, and one of his hats that says "World's Greatest Grandpa".

Tomorrow, I will say my last good-byes to his body. I know it will be hard for me because as I'm typing this, tears are rolling down my cheeks. However, I know he's not in any more pain. He's in Heaven. He's with loved ones. Even though he's physically not here with me, he's not far from me because he's still in my heart. I LOVE YOU GRANDPA!

Moving On the Best We Can

At 3:20 pm on Tuesday, January 26, 2010, my Grandfather was taken into surgery to remove his left lung. We were told by his doctors that his surgery could take anywhere between 2-6 hours. Now, we also have a cousin that is a doctor, and he informed us the actual surgery would only take 1-2 hours. So the waiting game began.

At 5:30 pm, we were told that the doctor would like to speak with us. My Grandma, Mom, and Aunt went to go speak with the doctor. The entire time they were gone was the longest time I've ever had to endure. We knew it was either going to be one of two things: 1. my Grandpa didn't make it through surgery; or 2. my Grandpa made it.

Between 6 and 6:15, my Grandma was being escorted by my Mom and Aunt, and all three were in tears. My Grandpa didn't make it through surgery.

We opted to see my Grandpa one last time before we left the hospital that night. When I saw my Grandpa, it was just a body to me. That was not my Grandpa. In a way, I wish that I hadn't have seen that body, but I had to see it for myself so I knew it was true.

So, we all went home Tuesday night mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted.

Wednesday, we spent the day helping my Grandma making arrangements for my Grandpa. His funeral will be this Saturday at Elijah Church of Christ at 11 am, and he will be buried at Sweden Pond Cemetery in Dora.

Even though it's hard for us to understand and move on with life without my Grandpa, I know he's in a better place without pain. Knowing that is SOOO comforting. GOD BLESS.

Family

Good Morning Everyone!

Ever since my Grandpa was admitted into the hospital, it has been like a roller coaster for us! One doctor will give us hope while another will shoot us down. It's been this way ever since Thursday.

My Grandpa was admitted into the hospital because he had a difficult time breathing. Turns out, his left lung is 100% filled with fluid/blood, and that fluid/blood is spilling over into his right lung. Because it was becoming difficult for my Grandpa to breathe on his own, my Grandpa made the decision that, when the time came, he would be placed on a ventilator, a machine that breathes for him. So Friday night at 7:30, the team of doctors and nurses began the intubation process. They ended up putting one tube down his left lung to suction out all the fluid/blood and one tube down into his right lung to breathe. Because of the intubation, my Grandpa can't talk. The last thing he said to me was, "I love you." Now, the only way he is able to communicate with us is my squeezing our hands (i.e., Squeeze my hand if you're hot.) or by shaking/nodding his head.

Today, he has surgery, and it doesn't look good for him. His pulmonologist gave us these 3 scenarios that could be played out: 1. He could die on the operating table; 2. He could make it through surgery but die in recovery; or 3. He could make it through surgery and recovery but be ventilator and trach dependent.

If you are reading this, PLEASE PRAY RIGHT THIS SECOND FOR MY GRANDPA! PRAY FOR HIM! PRAY FOR US! PRAY FOR THE DOCOTORS THAT THEY WILL PERFORM TO THE BEST OF THEIR ABILITY! PRAY THAT GOD LEADS US THROUGH THIS DIFFICULT TIME AND GIVES US THE STRENGTH TO ENDURE THIS!

I know I've discussed my family on here as well. Even though my Grandpa has to go through this, I am so thankful that my family is acting like a family. We have came together as a family should through this difficult time, and it feels great! I just hope that everyone continues to show their love and appreciation for one another after this is over with. GOD BLESS!

Grandpa

Yesterday afternoon, I received a phone call from my sister Kelli. Kelli informed me that Grandpa was not doing very well, and a surgery was required to stop the bleeding. For the surgery, doctors will go in and remove his left lung. However, doctors aren't giving us much hope for my Grandpa to make it through the surgery because of the amount of blood that he has lost. Even though I tossed and turned with the decision to go and visit him, I decided right then and there that Brandon and I needed to go and visit him. My cousin Scott and his wife Vironica were going up as well as my Aunt Bev and Uncle Elvis. These last 4 people are the rock, to me, of my mother's side of the family. They are the one's that I depend on the most because I don't talk to anyone one else on my mom's side of the family.

We left for the hospital at 6 and got there an hour later. While coming to the rotating door of the hospital, we met my mother, sister Megan, and Megan's fiance Tucker. Megan immediately went through the rotating door not even bothering to look at us. My mother and Tucker waited for us on the other side. At face to face for the first time since the wedding, my mother told me that to go on up and and my Grandpa knows everything about his situation.

Brandon and I went up to his room. When seeing my Grandpa for the first time since Thanksgiving 2008, I bawled. I couldn't stop the tears. I immediately went to his side, gave him a kiss on the forehead, and held his hand. I apologized for not coming to see him sooner, and told him that we were going to be here with him through this entire situation. He told me that it was okay, and that it was his fault for his family breaking up. He also told me that he just wanted his family back together.

After a much needed visit, Brandon and I left for home. Needless to say, we will be going back up today for my Grandpa's surgery.

Seeing him in that situation, I just couldn't take it. I've been around people in ICU many many times, but seeing my Grandpa in this situation was completely different. Besides all the IVs and necessary tubes, he has a plasma bag and a blood bag hooked up to him.

If you are reading this, please continue to pray for my Grandpa. Pray for him and our family as we try to come together at this difficult time in our lives. GOD BLESS.

Family... Seriously?

This morning came a little earlier than expected when my alarm went off at 5:15 am this morning, but my alarm going off way early was the least of my worries today. My aunt called me this morning 5 times all before 6:30 am. My aunt and I sometimes talk in the morning, but when she calls more than 2 times, something is wrong. My aunt told me that my grandpa (my mother's dad) is in the hospital. Apparently, my grandpa was coughing up and throwing up blood yesterday. He lost so much blood that he had to have a transfusion of 4 pints of blood. He's still in the hospital right now.

My aunt told me this news as soon and appropriately as possible. She was informed of this last night well after 10:00 pm. My aunt knows my schedule and knew that I would be in bed asleep when she found out.

I'm not upset with my aunt for waiting to let me know. I'm upset at my mother and grandmother. My mother and grandmother informed my aunt of this news approximately 16 hours after my grandpa went to the hospital. I received no phone call (except for the one from my aunt) to let me know about my grandpa's situation. Even though I don't talk to my parents, sisters, or grandparents, I expect a phone call to let me know if one of them is sick and in the hospital. I expect them to put their pride aside and call me, but that didn't happen this time. I doubt it will ever happen. My fear is that I will wake up one day, and my aunt will be on the phone telling me my grandpa has passed away, and his funeral is that day. She will, of course, apologize to me for not telling me sooner, but she was just informed of his passing that morning, as well. That is my fear, and since my family fails to put their pride aside, I know one day it maybe a reality. If you are reading this, please pray for my grandpa and for my family. GOD BLESS!

Just Don't Know What To Do

Just like so many others, I am addicted to Facebook. While I've been off from work for Christmas Break and the snow days, my ENTIRE days have been consumed with facebooking. Just like any other night, I sat down in the recliner, with my laptop, and checked Facebook. I noticed I had an email. I checked it, and it was from my sister Megan.

Before I get into what was in the email, I know majority of people (basically everyone) doesn't know my background or history. Well, here's just a little background knowledge for you (I'm not going to divulge into everything; just big picture so it will be easier to understand.):

I am the youngest of three girls: Kelli (oldest), Megan, and me. I was never close with my sisters or my parents. Because of that, I've always considered my friends more important to me than my immediate family. Even though I wasn't close with my family, it was always expected of me to 1. act as if we were a loving family; and 2. always conduct myself and act accordingly to how my family wanted me to act. I always tried to do and say the right things because that's what was expected of me. Even though it was unspoken, this saying was basically true for my family, "It doesn't matter how screwed up it is on the inside, as long as it looks pretty on the outside."

My first 2 years of college, I stayed home with my parents and attended a local community college. After those 2 years, I moved to a town with a university to complete my Bachelor's and later to become an SLP. At this time, I was so excited to move because I would be living on my own. However, my mom decided that it would be a good idea if Megan moved in with me. I knew this would be a horrible idea because Megan and I hadn't gotten along since I was 4. Even though I begged and pleaded with my mother, Megan still moved in. I didn't understand why (and still don't to this day) why Megan moved in with me. I figured she would want to be on her own.

In the beginning, living with Megan wasn't all bad. She did have her moments of being nice; however, she also had her moments of being rude and hateful. The moments of rudeness and hatefulness happened more and more as time went on. I never knew who to expect or when: the nice Megan or the hateful one. My parents always knew when we fought. I kept begging for them to do something about it (i.e., Ask Megan to find her own place), but it never happened. My parents never did anything about anything when it concerned Megan. After Megan and I lived together a year, I met Brandon. It was my senior year, and I couldn't have been happier. I had finally found someone that was interested in me and interested in what I had to say. It was so refreshing to find someone like this because my parents and sisters weren't interested in who I really was as a person. They weren't interested in the person that I had become. All they were interested in was the person that they wanted me to be.

A couple of months after dating, I introduced Brandon to my parents, Kelli, and her husband. For that meeting, we went out for lunch, and it was the most awkward meeting/lunch that I have ever been at. My parents and sister are normally very outgoing and act like they don't know a stranger. However, when they met Brandon, they acted like they didn't want to get to know him at all. No questions were asked. NOTHING. I could not get over the behavior they displayed. Leaving the luncheon, I was really disappointed and hoped that they would give Brandon more of a chance than what they did. Thanksgiving came, and a new opportunity came for my entire family to get to know the man I was falling in love with. However, the same response was given by my family. By this time, I just didn't know what to do. I wanted my family to get to know Brandon, but I wanted them to want to get to know him and not be forced into it.

After the new year, Brandon had to move back home into his parents house (2 hours away from me!) to re-evaluate his situation. He wasn't happy just working. He wanted to go to school but didn't know what specialization/degree he wanted. He then became interested in joining the railroad, so we looked into it. We planned an entire day of going up to KC to look at the school and get everything set up. By the time we left KC, it was almost 9pm. He was tired and so was I. When we got back to my place, I just wanted to go to sleep. Therefore, I offered for us to stay the night at my place. He felt uncomfortable about it and wanted to call my parents to ask their permission. The call was made. I could tell that they weren't happy about him staying the night, but I insisted. It was raining that night and we were exhausted. I couldn't just send Brandon back to his parents house when it was raining! The next morning at 6am, I got a call from my mom. She wasn't happy with what I had decided. When I got home, both of my parents were upset at me and threatened to kick me out and to take my car away. I felt trapped, like the little girl growing up. I didn't know what else to do but to give into their demands. My relationship with my parents continued like this for the next 6 months until June 2007.

In June, I started grad school, and my relationship with Brandon was growing stronger. However, my relationship with my parents was growing weaker. I felt like they wanted me to be and act like a person that I wasn't. I also felt like there was no compromising with them at all. It was either their way or the highway. This one night, I got in a huge fight with Megan. I called up my aunt (on a land line phone) to vent. Megan started throwing a mad fit and tried to unplug all of the phone cords. When she had done this, I had enough and I stood my ground against her. Megan called up mom and complained. The next thing I knew, I was being kicked out by my mother. I knew in my heart if I wanted to stop all of this madness, I knew I had to do something. So, I decided to find a new place to live, increase my work hrs, and start being responsible for everything. When I moved out, it shocked my parents. They asked me to come back and live with Megan, but I couldn't do that anymore. Life with Megan was pure hell, and I wasn't about to endure that anymore. Even though I moved out, I still tried to keep a relationship with my parents; however, things just got to a point where enough was enough. I finally had to realize that the way my family was treating me was awful and no adult should be treated as such from another adult. From that, I made the decision of distancing myself away from my family. That meant no phone calls, no visits.

A few months before Brandon and I were to get married, I ended up hitting a deer. Since I was still driving my car that my parents gave to me, I had to make a phone call to them bc they had to call the insurance company to get it fixed. I really thought that moment was God's way of telling me that I am supposed to have a relationship with my parents. Therefore, I embraced the opportunity and tried to get them involved in the wedding planning. However, they didn't want to be involved. My mom's exact words were, "I'm sorry, I just can't help." I was devastated when she had said those words. After my mom refused to help me, I knew things would never change for the better. The only thing I knew to do was to keep moving forward, and that's what I did. Our wedding day came, and I wanted to give my dad the opportunity to walk me down the aisle. However, he refused. Again, the only thing I could do was to keep moving forward. So, in place of my dad was my cousin.

Since our wedding, I haven't seen or spoken to my family. Right now, I don't know if I want a relationship with them. I can't put myself through the pain and hurt that I had to go through for 4 long years. Besides that, I can't put Brandon through all of that again.

SO............. back to the email. Megan emailed me tonight to inform me that her and her boyfriend were getting married, and she wanted to invite Brandon and I to the wedding. In the email, she stated that if we wanted to come, she would send us an official invite through the mail. I don't know what to do. Sure I want a realtionship with my parents and sisters, but I don't want to go through all of the drama again. I feel as if every effort I make goes to waste. That's why I've stayed away from them. I'm tired of getting hurt all the time. I'm tired to wasting energy, efforts, and tears on people who just say and do 2 different things. I've prayed and prayed about my relationship with my family time and time again. I've prayed for strength and wisdom. Now, if you are reading this, please pray for me, my husband, and my family. GOD BLESS!